What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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I was scared of men, in general

When she asked me how she looked .

I was seconnd youngest,

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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

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Why did i forgive my father ?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

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But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But it wasn’t much.

I could never make a relationship work though!

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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

What do men like to be given for their birthday?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

He knew the spot.

Who then, do I blame.?

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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

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As i do to all so called friends.?

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I don,t even have a pension.

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She was in good health!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

So I’m getting piano lessons and my teacher wants me to get an upright piano instead of a keyboard. An upright piano is way above my price range, so what do I do? And what’s the difference between an upright piano and a keyboard?

This is soul school!.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

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Why would you think you're fit to be a model?

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I waited trembling.

I was 9 years of age.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

But, we were locked up after school.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

So whats the point in blame.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

All the time i was locked up.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Especially a lifetime of it.

So, i spoilt her more .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

(And it was in our own minds.)

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She married twice! .

It was going to be , some day.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

We all went to grammer schools

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Ive learnt so much.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

What did i know ?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

My family never makes their pension either.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I will be 64.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I couldn’t, believe it.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And i lived it daily.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

She loved him until the end.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

They are buried together, in the same grave..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I never cut or harmed myself..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I was very sick at this time too.

I said to her

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Comes on , in middle age.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He was dying to do it , i knew.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Would this be the day?

She found it foreign!.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

One cannot live in the past .

Was to survive, this bastard.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But ive been too sick for many years..

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I think the readers, may guess!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I have no regrets .

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I write beautiful poetry .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

We were not on the streets..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She wouldn,t have been !

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Put me off passion for life!!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Im still living with it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

My life is so biszare .